March 6th, 2010 by cgerber

Been lost in a mind vortex for the past 2 weeks trying to get my bearings about me. The crew it agitated at my attempts to keep them busy with games of Sorry and Monopoly. I hate Monopoly. The ship is failing, leaking, and my first mate ChadM is leaving for the future only to be replaced with his 2012 version. I hope he provides the knowledge we need to survive. Other pirates circle our ship daily as we drift about in the sea. Mocking us, throwing their leftovers at us… it’s humiliating. We will press on though. Our pirate ship dog Dixie is in good spirits, rationing her bones and refining her swordsmanship. We shall use her to great detail in the battles to come. We received word via pigeon yesterday that love making music man Andrew Ryan may be boarding our ship to shoot a music video in the coming weeks. We look forward to his skills and rugged good looks. Though he may not be a skilled swordsman like our pirate dog, he can swoon the crew and end this Sorry/Monopoly madness! My spirits are in order, I have xbox 360 in my cabin and don’t let the other crew members play it for fear of their grubby fingers ruining the controllers. Most notably our navigator Cory Grabow and his cheeto covered hands. I can always tell where he’s been because everything has his cheesy fingerprints all over it. Note to self: pick up box of wet naps at next port.

Nights are cold and somewhat rainy. ChadM has promised me he will send blankets from the future, and winning lottery tickets. I look forward to his time swap with 2012 and the money he will bring me. Our cook is awful and never makes eye contact when serving the food. I think he has an attitude problem, or is blind. I’m not sure how to find out because either way it requires eye contact. Does make a mean burrito though. Birds nest is in order. We have a female pirate named “Sparky” who defiantly has OCD and likes to mock the other pirates from above. I find she has a serious obsession with cleaning and order. It’s actually quite annoying, but keeps the other pirates from hating me as much. A few times she has brought her 2 children on board, mocked them in front of the crew, then sent them home on a dingy. Truly a ruthless new addition to the crew.

Our other latest crew member “Tank” is also an interesting addition. Along with Sparky, Tank is also female. Middle aged, walks with a limp and smokes a lot. A few nights ago she has actually barged into my quarters while I was going to the bathroom. I told her to leave immediately, whereupon she stood for another 3 minutes staring at me blankly. May need to have the ship doctor take a look at her.

Keep a stout heart and a sturdy girdle. We shall press on through this current danger with a retarded crew and plenty of misguided passion.

Chad Gerber