March 9th, 2010 by cgerber

I guess Jaime Foxx had a CD release party tonight here in LA. I thought about going but I don’t even like the guy. I used to find him funny, but now he kind of gets on my nerves. Plus I didn’t feel like squeezing up against a bunch of strangers all night lol. I didn’t get done playing video games at Activision till like 9:30 anyway, so I was over it. Had a blast playing the game though! I’m hoping I can get a copy before it’s released.

So the team’s got all kinds of meetings lined up this week and next in regards to the big festival tour and the free in-store stuff. Luckily we don’t have to go. I’ve gone in the past to some and it’s kind of funny. Dudes sitting around in suits and nice haircuts talking biz while I do an amazing job of looking focused. If only they could get into my head and see the twisted things I’m really thinking during meetings. Here’s how it goes.

Conference Room. Creative Director Cory in a nice suit next to me with papers and binders in front of him. Across sits the other people wearing their suits and ties. Then me, hoody, hat, directions on my hand, knee bouncing under the table.These are the things that flash through my head while they all go over logistics:

1. I should stand up and do a war scream right into the wall behind them for 10 seconds then sit down without saying a word or cracking a smile

2. I should just grab a pile of papers in front of me and go off about how I won’t support their black magic operations and not one person offered me a sand which

3. stare into the side of Cory’s face while he sits next to me

4. lay my head down on the table and moan like I’m sick

5. Slap the guy talking

6. Quietly stand up and walk out while they’re talking directly to me

7. Mimic everything they say including mannerisms

8. stab the main guy on the top of his hand with a pencil and wait for a reaction

9. slowly pull their papers away from them while pretending I don’t know that they can see what I’m doing

10. Turn to Cory and say “Let’s Kill em” and wait for their response while never cracking a smile

11. Roll a quarter across the table to the guy sitting farthest from me while keeping my eyes focused on the guy speaking

12. Say something that makes no sense like “My Mother says you have the best deals on used cars”

13. Kick the guy across from me in the shin

14. Fake having a seizure

15. Vomit blood all over the table and follow up with “I don’t feel so good”

16. Take a piece of art off the wall and cradle it like a stuffed animal

17. Bring a stuffed animal and make them all address him like he’s real

18. Bring ChadM and have him sit on my lap the whole time while never addressing that it’s weird

19. Blow a booger on the stack of papers in front of me, then look up, smile, and simply go “eh?”

20. Hold a pen up like it’s  a puppet participating in the meeting. Sometimes making it whisper in my ear

21. Make a puppet out of my hand and have it mouth whatever I’m saying then look at me for approval

22. Grab the main dude and say “Who do you think you are!?” “Is this a game to you?”

23. Karate chop Cory in the adams apple and tell everyone “It’s ok, I know karate”

24. Jump up, run across the room and face plant into the wall, fall on the floor and remain their the remainder of the meeting

25. Take off my clothes

26. fall asleep in my chair

27. Imagine a giant tank rolling in through the wall squishing everyone then transforming into a transformer and tell me it’s time to save the world

28. Stand on the table and bop everyone on the head with a baseball bat

29. Pretend to be a malfunctioning robot and say “Lu-bra-kent” over and over

30. Wear sunglasses and look straight ahead the entire time

Chad Gerber